Coming Out

[underdawg]

For those who have read my posts here in DF you would soon learn that I am an openly gay man. Since the age of 34 I have been on a long quest to become a more authentic person to myself and to everyone else, which means not tellings lies to cover up for being gay. Coming out is never easy. It always involves risk. You just never know how a person will react. It is always better to tell someone you just meet that you are gay before you develope a friendship becuse if you don't and they find out later and dump you as a friend it hurts. I can personally say that I HATE coming out to anyone. It is scary every single time. It does get better the more you do it.

Here in the Seattle area almost everyone I know knows that I am gay. I try not to hide it. However in a small little community in Kentucky where I grew up, I have not tols anyone. I have never told them I was straight or ever had a girlfriend, but as far as I know they think I am straight. I suppose they think I am too shy, busy and perhaps a bit of a hermit. I have told them all other parts of my life except things that involve my being a homosexual.

I have always been afraid to tell them this thing about myself. I always wonder if they may have figured it out for themselves, but everytime I go home they never seem to suspect, and someone will even ask if I have a girlfriend yet. I kept thinking that they would all go to their graves without ever knowing this about me. It is a pain that I have lived with my whole life. I am truely a stranger to my own family. I was always afraid the truth would hurt my Mom and always had some deep fear that if she learned the truth that she would reject me.

Well the news is that I wrote a letter yesterday telling her everything. She is 71 years old and I don't want her to go to her grave and not know who I am. I don't want her to only know the fictional me. I sent the letter yesterday afternoon so there is no going back. I still have my doubts if I have done the right thing. Her health is not good and we have both come to a point where we rarely speak to each other anymore. To me coming out to my family is probably my biggest fear short of death.

[Buck Laser]

You've done a courageous thing, Underdawg, and I salute you for it. I hope and pray that it turns out well for you and your mother. I wish I were smart enough to advise you somehow, but it seems to me that you've done the right thing.

[exigent]

Well the news is that I wrote a letter yesterday telling her everything.


Everything?? :grrrr:

haha jp...good luck!

[bobbylien]

I'm speechless. That took some guts man, I wish you the best of luck. I've always thought that gay guys have it about as tough as any minority in this country.
It might not be any consolation and I'm sure you know this but future generations won't have it so tough. It would be nice if the bigots in this country would try their best to accept people for who they are but I know that won't happen. Luckily we have the public education system, the media, the internet and common sense on our side.
I don't think theres a single guy in this country who would say you don't have some serious guts.

[Cobra]

Best of luck with your mom. You sure waited a long time, hope she comes to terms with it fine.

As for small town Kentucky, I know what ya mean. Those who are out in mine really do take a lot of crap over it.

[exigent]

If I was gay, I would NOT have the stones to come out to my parents. My sisters would love it, cuz we could do each other's make up and shit, but my parents could not accept it. We're from the mid west, my dad is a meat and taters guy and my mom goes to church almost daily...

When I was 16 I got my ear peirced (In 1993, before everyone was doing it, nyeah) my dad asked me if I was gay...I just kinda laughed at it, but I dont think he was joking...

[underdawg]

If I was gay, I would NOT have the stones to come out to my parents. My sisters would love it, cuz we could do each other's make up and shit, but my parents could not accept it. We're from the mid west, my dad is a meat and taters guy and my mom goes to church almost daily...

When I was 16 I got my ear peirced (In 1993, before everyone was doing it, nyeah) my dad asked me if I was gay...I just kinda laughed at it, but I dont think he was joking...


I always believed that everyone is capable of courage at different moments in their lives. I think it is a spur of the moment thing. Right at this moment, if I had to do it over again, I don't believe I could do it. But since it is being sent by mail, the act is already in the works.

[ViolaLee]

I hope it will turn out OK and your mom will tell you that she already knew deep down and she still loves you with all her heart. That's what I imagine I would do if I were the mom. Good luck underdawg :D Let us know how it goes. I hope you can celebrate in a few days and it's all a big weight lifted off your shoulders.

[exigent]

I always believed that everyone is capable of courage at different moments in their lives. I think it is a spur of the moment thing. Right at this moment, if I had to do it over again, I don't believe I could do it. But since it is being sent by mail, the act is already in the works.


Whats done is done, be sure to follow through and show that you're still the same person, you just watch a different kind of porn :)

[AnnEsthesia]

Congrats on being true to yourself. It is so hard to feel that you will be a disappointment, or worse, cause pain to your family. However, if they love you, they will see that you are still the same person and will love you whether they would have chosen that path for you or not.

[ECW]

In my opinion, it's no one's business but your own. I don't answer intrusive questions of any sort from anybody in any sort of capacity. My response is simply, if I wanted you to know the answer to that question I would have already told you. You do what you have to do. If your Mom has any of the good stuff that I have seen in you over the past year, she will accept it. She may not be all too happy about it but she will accept it. I wish you all the best.

[moses2792796]

Ewww homos is not tha natural thin g man, thats disgusting!!!!!!
...
People should just admit it if they'd rather bone dudes, I have...once, it's not that bad, I prefer women, but I'm open to mostly anything.

Despite this I don't really see the point in discussing my sexual preferences with my parents, It's none of their business.

[underdawg]

Ewww homos is not tha natural thin g man, thats disgusting!!!!!!
...
People should just admit it if they'd rather bone dudes, I have...once, it's not that bad, I prefer women, but I'm open to mostly anything.

Despite this I don't really see the point in discussing my sexual preferences with my parents, It's none of their business.


This is exactly the way I thought for many many years. No one should ever have to discuss your sexual preference with your parents. It horrifies me to talk about sex period with my mom. We never had the"birds and the bees" talk. It is just an unspoken thing. Aside from the "sex" part, there are so many other parts of your life that are a direct result of your sexuality. When you have another person that you share your life with a lot of everyday stuff revolves around someone else. I kept relationships, trips, and some of my favorite moments in my life hidden from my family. In order to keep this information from those you love, you must either say nothing or lie to them. I have deceived them. Eventually lies wear down your soul. Can you imagine being a heterosexual and keeping it a secret from your family that you have been married and have children? Your mother going to her grave never knowing her grandchildren. Keeping such lies is a burden that eventually weighs heavy. I was raised to always tell the truth, but the society I grew up in makes it quite clear that certain truths should be kept hidden. Just look at the military. Part of their policy is to encourage people to lie and keep their sexuality hidden if they happen to be homosexual. Where is the honor in the military if they encourage soldiers to lie?

When you strive to become a person of integrity and an authentic person sometimes you need to do some things that are quite unpleasant. I am totally uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone by telling my mom such information. It is very easy to hide in the comfort of a lie. Telling the truth is sometimes very hard. My family brought me up to believe that in order to become an honorable respectable person you must not steal, treat other people the way you would want to be treated and to try to live a truthfull life.

[heyjude]

I do wish people would get over the idea that older people need protecting. By the time a person is 71, they have heard it all, seen it all, and depending on how rebellious they were, done it all. They are unshockable. Give me a break. What shocks you? Will you forget everything you learned when you get older. You're far more likely to forget what you came into a room for that what someone did twenty years ago. Short term memory loss.

I wish you the best underdawg. If I were your Mom, I would love you, no matter what you were.

[Labrocca]

I hope it will turn out OK and your mom will tell you that she already knew deep down and she still loves you with all her heart.

I agree...they already know. I am sure you are afraid of their reaction but their asking if you have a girlfriend yet is their way of asking if you are gay.

Congrats and goodluck to you and hope it works out. If possible keep us updated.

[Buck Laser]

I do wish people would get over the idea that older people need protecting. By the time a person is 71, they have heard it all, seen it all, and depending on how rebellious they were, done it all. They are unshockable. Give me a break. What shocks you? Will you forget everything you learned when you get older. You're far more likely to forget what you came into a room for that what someone did twenty years ago. Short term memory loss.

I wish you the best underdawg. If I were your Mom, I would love you, no matter what you were.

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. I watched my mother, my grandfather, and most of my elderly relatives grow rigid and narrow in their thinking. It happens. My mother was a dyed-in-the-wool liberal for most of her life. When my best childhood friend came out in his early thirties, she was pretty accepting. By the time she reached her mid-70s, her attitudes were beginning to harden. By her early 80s, she was denying that my friend could be gay, "because he was too nice." And it wasn't Alzheimer's that did it, so far as I can see. She did have a series of strokes at 85, and was out of it for the last two years of her life. My grandfather grew up as a racist, and got worse and worse as he aged.

Admittedly, this is all anecdotal, as is your comment. At 72, I'm working hard to keep on reading and learning, experiencing new ideas so rigor mortis won't set in until I'm actually dead.

[underdawg]

Apparently the mail was very slow. I guess my mom got the letter yesterday. She had called and left a message early this morning. She briefly said that she read the letter and was okay with it. She said she would call back later to talk with me about it. Her voice sounded calm and normal. Thanks you all for being so supportive. I feel like a great weight is being lifted off of me.

[crimzonsol]

I wish you good luck underdawg.

[AnnEsthesia]

That is great news, underdawg! I know how worried you were. See, she loves you and I am sure she only wants you to be happy and healthy. :) I know that is what I wish for my kids.

*hugs*

[Buck Laser]

Apparently the mail was very slow. I guess my mom got the letter yesterday. She had called and left a message early this morning. She briefly said that she read the letter and was okay with it. She said she would call back later to talk with me about it. Her voice sounded calm and normal. Thanks you all for being so supportive. I feel like a great weight is being lifted off of me.

Good for your mom, and good for you, friend! Doesn't necessarily mean the hard times are over, but it's a great start. I take back what I set about many septuagenarians becoming increasingly rigid. It obviously isn't true in your mom's case.

[lily]

Underdawg........that is great news! Reading through this tread, I don't see how she couldn't accept you for what you are. You are an intelligent young man, with an open and warm heart......and you didn't get that way all by yourself.

I'm really glad you told her. If God forbid something happened to her before you could tell her, it would have bothered you for the rest of your life.

[ViolaLee]

Apparently the mail was very slow. I guess my mom got the letter yesterday. She had called and left a message early this morning. She briefly said that she read the letter and was okay with it. She said she would call back later to talk with me about it. Her voice sounded calm and normal. Thanks you all for being so supportive. I feel like a great weight is being lifted off of me.
Yay!! :clapper: I'm so glad it turned out this way for you. It must feel great to be who you are, and not have to hide it from your family. Good luck man !

[NDNdancer]

Wow, congratulations, that took a lot of courage. And Creator has special blessings for Mom's, bless her heart.

[tony mitra]

Well done & good luck.

[Deadshot]

Our prayers are with you, UD. I'm sure all will be well. You've got to be who you are, who God made you to be.

Good luck and God bless

d

[moses2792796]

ALERT ALERT WE HAVE A SATANIC CHRISTIAN ON THE LOOSE PREPARE THE PRAYER CANNON :fight:
















...:madlaugh:

[exigent]

gfy, underdog~!

http://www.worstpreviews.com/images/photos/underdog/underdog2.jpg