Elrathin
09-13-2007, 10:01 PM
Unknown source, and all the next 3 sets of "How to be a good Republican" were written by someone whom I don't know to give credit to. If you find out for sure, feel free to give the credit.
How to be a good Republican:
1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread because people are evil and should be punished.
2. You have to believe that the evolution is a myth that shouldn't be taught in schools, despite the evidence of biochemistry and the fossil record.
3. You have to believe that there is no causal link between legal, easily-obtainable handguns and high murder rates.
4. You have to believe that global temperatures are completely unaffected by fossil fuel emissions, that the best way to save the national forests is to allow logging companies to cut down old-growth timber, and the best way to save endangered species is to allow trophy hunters and wildlife traders to import more of them.
5. You have to believe that homosexuality is evil (despite the fact that it occurs in nature) and that women should stay at home to cook and bear children.
6. You have to be against abortion but support capital punishment.
7. You have to believe that businesses never purposely hurt anyone to make money.
8. You have to believe that hunting requires an automatic rifle.
9. You have to believe that inherited wealth is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
10. You have to believe that war is an acceptable solution to any economic or social problem.
11. You have to believe that everyone should support the troops - except when it comes to paying them.
12. You have to believe the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are for poor and middle class people, not the rich.
14. You have to believe that affirmative action is wrong, while still supporting discrimination against minorities.
15. You have to believe that Ann Coulter is normal and really a very nice person.
16. You have to believe that the only reason supply-side economics hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
17. You have to believe liberals telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and draft-dodger belongs in the White House.
18. You have to believe that the Ten Commandments should be displayed in every public building regardless of the fact that not everyone in America is a Christian.
19. You have to believe that illegal Republican Party funding by corporations is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
20. You have to believe that the media are biased toward liberals, despite the fact that all the major media outlets are owned by ultra-rich conservatives.[hr]How to be a Republican:
=====================================
1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crackdown on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
4. Standing Tall for America means firing your workersand moving their jobs to India.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
13. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a we can't find Bin Laden diversion.
14. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
15. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
16. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
17. You support states rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
18. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.[hr]How To Be A Republican
1. You have to believe that most of the people who get the AIDS virus get it due as the result of some personal moral failure.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about morality and the Ten Commandments.
3. You have to believe that unions are more of a threat to America than business monopolies.
4. You have to believe that it's a good idea for a woman to work to try and keep her marriage together, unless her name is Hillary.
5. You have to believe that driving an SUV and wanting to drill for oil in Alaska's parklands aren't somehow "cause and effect."
6. You have to believe that most television programming is a vast wasteland, except for the six religious channels running 24-hour-a-day solicitations for money.
7. You have to be against abortion-on-demand, but in favor of cutting funding for poor children at risk.
8. You have to believe that big government creates oppression and big business creates prosperity.
9. You have to believe that the right to bear arms means that anyone should be able to own any kind of weapon, and limiting the right of Americans to own an AK-47 is somehow a crime against hunters.
10. You have to believe that strong religious beliefs in someone you agree with is "refreshing" and those same public beliefs in someone you disagree with is "hypocritical."
11. You have to believe that "you have the right to protest in America" and "If you don't like it, leave America" aren't contradictory phrases.
12. You have to believe the placing a copy of the Ten Commandments inside a courthouse is a good idea, but teaching evolution in our schools is not.
13. You have to believe that Bill O'Reilly is "fair and balanced," but your local newspaper isn't.
14. You have to believe that illegal immigration to America is a bad idea, unless the immigrants are coming from Cuba.
15. You have to believe that you aren't a racist, if you begin racist sentences with the phrase "Now I have nothing against them, BUT......"
16. You have to believe that Dick Cheney really isn't running things.
17. You have to believe that capitalism works, unless it involves someone selling products which go against your moral code.
18. You have to believe someone who burns the flag belongs in jail, but CEO's who rob shareholders of millions deserve a second chance.
19. You have to believe that what people do in the privacy of their own home is protected, unless they're doing something that you don't agree with.
20. You have to believe that George W. Bush pulling family strings to get into the National Guard (and then going AWOL during his last year of service) makes him morally superior to Bill Clinton, who never served at all.
How to be a good Republican:
1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread because people are evil and should be punished.
2. You have to believe that the evolution is a myth that shouldn't be taught in schools, despite the evidence of biochemistry and the fossil record.
3. You have to believe that there is no causal link between legal, easily-obtainable handguns and high murder rates.
4. You have to believe that global temperatures are completely unaffected by fossil fuel emissions, that the best way to save the national forests is to allow logging companies to cut down old-growth timber, and the best way to save endangered species is to allow trophy hunters and wildlife traders to import more of them.
5. You have to believe that homosexuality is evil (despite the fact that it occurs in nature) and that women should stay at home to cook and bear children.
6. You have to be against abortion but support capital punishment.
7. You have to believe that businesses never purposely hurt anyone to make money.
8. You have to believe that hunting requires an automatic rifle.
9. You have to believe that inherited wealth is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
10. You have to believe that war is an acceptable solution to any economic or social problem.
11. You have to believe that everyone should support the troops - except when it comes to paying them.
12. You have to believe the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are for poor and middle class people, not the rich.
14. You have to believe that affirmative action is wrong, while still supporting discrimination against minorities.
15. You have to believe that Ann Coulter is normal and really a very nice person.
16. You have to believe that the only reason supply-side economics hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
17. You have to believe liberals telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and draft-dodger belongs in the White House.
18. You have to believe that the Ten Commandments should be displayed in every public building regardless of the fact that not everyone in America is a Christian.
19. You have to believe that illegal Republican Party funding by corporations is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
20. You have to believe that the media are biased toward liberals, despite the fact that all the major media outlets are owned by ultra-rich conservatives.[hr]How to be a Republican:
=====================================
1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crackdown on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
4. Standing Tall for America means firing your workersand moving their jobs to India.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
13. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a we can't find Bin Laden diversion.
14. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
15. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
16. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
17. You support states rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
18. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.[hr]How To Be A Republican
1. You have to believe that most of the people who get the AIDS virus get it due as the result of some personal moral failure.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about morality and the Ten Commandments.
3. You have to believe that unions are more of a threat to America than business monopolies.
4. You have to believe that it's a good idea for a woman to work to try and keep her marriage together, unless her name is Hillary.
5. You have to believe that driving an SUV and wanting to drill for oil in Alaska's parklands aren't somehow "cause and effect."
6. You have to believe that most television programming is a vast wasteland, except for the six religious channels running 24-hour-a-day solicitations for money.
7. You have to be against abortion-on-demand, but in favor of cutting funding for poor children at risk.
8. You have to believe that big government creates oppression and big business creates prosperity.
9. You have to believe that the right to bear arms means that anyone should be able to own any kind of weapon, and limiting the right of Americans to own an AK-47 is somehow a crime against hunters.
10. You have to believe that strong religious beliefs in someone you agree with is "refreshing" and those same public beliefs in someone you disagree with is "hypocritical."
11. You have to believe that "you have the right to protest in America" and "If you don't like it, leave America" aren't contradictory phrases.
12. You have to believe the placing a copy of the Ten Commandments inside a courthouse is a good idea, but teaching evolution in our schools is not.
13. You have to believe that Bill O'Reilly is "fair and balanced," but your local newspaper isn't.
14. You have to believe that illegal immigration to America is a bad idea, unless the immigrants are coming from Cuba.
15. You have to believe that you aren't a racist, if you begin racist sentences with the phrase "Now I have nothing against them, BUT......"
16. You have to believe that Dick Cheney really isn't running things.
17. You have to believe that capitalism works, unless it involves someone selling products which go against your moral code.
18. You have to believe someone who burns the flag belongs in jail, but CEO's who rob shareholders of millions deserve a second chance.
19. You have to believe that what people do in the privacy of their own home is protected, unless they're doing something that you don't agree with.
20. You have to believe that George W. Bush pulling family strings to get into the National Guard (and then going AWOL during his last year of service) makes him morally superior to Bill Clinton, who never served at all.