jokes

[Professor]

My friend just sent me a ton of them. I'll repost the good ones:

An Irish daughter had not been home for five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

____________________

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman withan electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts rightnow, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

[DANG]

"My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.see attachment

She was very lucky. "
(see spoiler)

http://img505.imageshack.us/img505/5228/flyinlessonshp7.jpg

[Professor]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^
:madlaugh: That's awesome!!!!!

[Saigio]

Win. That is what the jokes are made of.
Win.

[DANG]

A cocky State Highway employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highway employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highway employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

[DANG]

CIRCLE FLIES

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies though" http://img46.imageshack.us/img46/5415/cowboyks5.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joke #2
(Fair warning)
Its a Groaner...

A tractor trailer driver lost control of his rig, plowed into an empty
tollbooth on the Garden State Parkway and smashed it into hundreds of pieces.

While filling out the police and i nsurance reports for the damage he
had caused, he noticed a crew of workers picking up each broken piece of the wrecked tollbooth and spreading some kind of creamy substance on it.

Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than 20
minutes they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

Amazed at what he had witnessed, he asked the police officer, "What was that white stuff those men used to assemble all those pieces together?

The police officer smiled and said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."~~~~~

I warned ya.

[Professor]

All jokes except 2: :madlaugh:

2: :grrrr:

[Professor]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With
the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and
read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and
trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and
ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be
back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[BoogyMan]

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

[Waffletush]

What's to opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

[DANG]

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer Negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin

[Stoner]

You know the most ironic thing about Christopher Reeves and O. J. Simpson?

Christopher Reeves got the electric chair and OJ walked.

--------------------

How do you know when it's bedtime at the Michael Jackson ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

--------------------

Why don't Polish women like vibrators?

Chips their teeth.

--------------------

Why do Mexicans have noses?

Something to pick in the winter.

--------------------

Q: What's the only thing standing between a Sonny and Cher reunion?

A: Another tree.

--------------------

2 sperm are swimming in the female body when one looks over at another and yells, "How much longer till we reach the uterus?

"I don't know but we just passed the tonsils!"

--------------------

What do you call the worthless piece of skin around a pussy?

A woman.

--------------------

You know the difference between a rhinoceros?

20 pounds and a flannel shirt.

--------------------

Why do women wear white on their wedding day?

So they'll match the stove and fridge.

[DANG]

The Resume Bloopers

These are taken from REAL resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

[DANG]

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in
the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my bottom.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from
certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with a problem will land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because
it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read
their email with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[DANG]

Here it is folks.

Its time for FARK's Round FOUR of the best headlines for 2007 (http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3294420)
(Fake Headlines for real stories)

A few examples:

Blind people speak out against the danger of quieter (hybrid) automobiles. Also concerned about rearranged furniture, plungers left in toilets

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3108890


Headline of the Year candidate 2007-12-28 03:23:20 PM
You know it's a good chili when hazmat teams seal off your street

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3108914


Headline of the Year candidate 2007-12-28 03:23:58 PM
Police shoot and kill a gunman who shot five people in a Louisiana law office, remind the public that lawyer season doesn't open for another three weeks

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3114479



Headline of the Year candidate 2007-12-28 03:24:33 PM
Rare endangered Chinese tiger found. They would have found it earlier but it was crouching next to a hidden dragon


http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3133295

Headline of the Year candidate 2007-12-28 03:24:46 PM
Newspaper publisher complains that Americans can no longer express themselves without swearing. Can you believe that sh*t?


http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3143045

Headline of the Year candidate 2007-12-28 03:24:59 PM
Tornado strikes Amish community. Hundreds without power


http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3146613

Headline of the Year candidate 2007-12-28 03:25:14 PM
Fire could burn up last remaining power link to San Diego, plunging city int

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3158087

[DANG]

This guy is hilarious:
Jim Breuer explains what happens when you mix alcoholic beverages:
http://www.thefunnystuff.net/viewmovie.php?ad_key=WFSLKDLEIFGM&trackingid=900906&id=657

[Mia]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
>> Morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
>> amazingly neither of
>> them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of
>> their
>> cars, the man is yelling about women
>> drivers; the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a
>> woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're
>> unhurt.
>> This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
>> together in peace for the rest of our days".
>> Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
>> must be a sign from God! But your still at fault...women shouldn't be
>> allowed to drive." The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
>> miracle. My
>> car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
>> God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
>> Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
>> agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to
>> the
>> woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back on,
>> and
>> hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having
>> any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....
>>
>> MORAL OF THE STORY:
>>
>> Women are clever, evil witches.
>> Don't mess with us!

[preservanation]

I was at the dentist, and he said he needed to drill and offered me novacaine.
No, I said. I'm allergic.
He offered me gas
No, I said. I have no one to drive.
He handed me this little blue pill and said it was Viagra.
How is this going to help my pain, I asked?
Well, it won't, he responded, but it will at least give you something to hang onto when I commence to drill'n.

[DANG]

Dog Pack Attacks Gator in East Texas

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator," can still fall victim to implemented "teamwork" strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.

Not for the squeamish!
http://img297.imageshack.us/img297/4646/gatordogsew7.png

[preservanation]

I love dogs!
Man's best friend...gators, not so much.[hr]My parents drugged me.
>Drug me to church,
>Drug me to school
>Drug me to the woodshed
>Drug me from in front of the TV
>Drug me to Grandma's house

Today's youth should have such a drug problem.

[DANG]

Redneck Mansion
http://img267.imageshack.us/img267/9652/redneckmansion11qn2.jpg

[Mia]

Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N., worldwide. The only question asked was, "Would you please give your most honest opinion about the solution for the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure because

In 'Africa' people did not know what "FOOD" meant.

In 'Western Europe' they did not know what "SHORTAGE" meant.

In 'Eastern Europe' they did not know what "OPINION" meant.

In the 'Middle East' they did not know what "SOLUTION" meant.

In 'South America' they did not know what "PLEASE" meant.

In 'Asia' they did not know what "HONEST" meant.

And in the 'USA' they did not know what "THE REST OF THE WORLD" meant!

[Mia]

PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN


(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain:
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you
!


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece :madlaugh:
__________________

[Mia]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.