View Full Version : The Politician:Â*Â*A Primer
I. A politician must be popular. People like those who they perceive are like themselves. Most people are bigoted, stupid and vulgar; and so to be popular, a politician should eschew all cultural refinement as snobbish and elitist, and make himself a perfect philistine. His should be the hardy handshake and backslapping comradery among the masses; and it would be helpful to be at least proficient in kissing ugly babies.
II. A politician must be flexible in his beliefs. In politics there is a distinction between what is right and what is politically correct, for what the many say is so, will be so, whether or not it is so; and a politician must so adapt.
III. A politician must be able to talk out of both sides of his mouth. A politician has to be capable of giving leave to one side while giving lip service to the other and lauding neither. And while all will hear his "Hear, hear!" none will hear his whys and wherefores.
IV. A politician must be long-winded. A politician should be able to hold forth on any subject for hours on end and not say anything of substance. The debate and diatribe are his daily fare, the filibuster his forte.
V. A politician must be wary of the truth. There is nothing more dangerous than the truth, for if the public should know the truth, all of government will succumb to mob rule and anarchy prevail; and so a politician must exercise the greatest care and skill in concealing it. In this, a politician must be able to lie convincingly and consistently well; and be expert at destroying evidence, which, in preserving his office, if not all important, is essential.
VI. A politician must not have scruples about money. To take other’s money inspires confidence in one’s constituency, for a politician who cannot be bribed, cannot be trusted. In the buying and selling of political influence, bribery has the added appeal of being certain of one’s man; and a politician with a head for business will turn a good profit from selling his office many times over, for there is nothing more costly than a political favor.
VII. A politician must have a good sense of junket. A politician must be willing to endure the hardships of travel to far-off places, for the game of politics is not just played in the lobbies of Congress, but on the golf courses of the world. A politician should not be hesitant about using corporate jets; and being a member of a fancy yacht club is an absolute must.
VIII. A politician must be accountable to his constituency.Â*Â*A politician’s real constituency is not the public but his financial backers. In this, a politician should be scrupulous to pay political debts, in kind and on time. In the final account, those who count do not credit honesty and integrity, but getting their money’s worth.
IX. A politician must be able to handle responsibility. This requires some adroitness. A politician should be ever ready to take credit for what goes well, whether or not he had a hand in the matter; but when things go badly, he should not be found wanting for someone else to blame.
X. A politician must have the right character. Good character is a heavy mantle, and to be a good politician, one must be able to wear it but lightly. Besides dishonesty and duplicity, a politician’s principal character traits should be avarice and ambition, which, in politics, go hand in hand.
BoogyMan
01-07-2007, 04:17 AM
Nemo, I hope you continue to post these. This is funny stuff. :D
XI. A politician must be willing to sacrifice all for the sake of appearance. In the media world, image is everything; and so it is not enough to be good, one must be seen to be good as well. (Even Presidents are packaged and sold this way.) Likewise, one’s political opponent must be shown to be bad in all respects to make oneself appear the better candidate. In this, never underestimate the power of negative advertising.
XII. A politician must be willing to sell himself. A politician is a prostitute in a business suit; and if he must be his own pimp, so much the better. Politics, while not the world’s oldest profession, is not the less honorable; and if the race can be fixed by counting tricks, betting odds are the politician will turn up trumps.
XIII.Â*Â*A politician needs to raise lots of money.Â*Â*If money makes the world go round, then a politician will need a lot of cash just to keep ahead of the curve, not to mention campaigning for reelection.Â*Â* Campaign finance reform just needs some more money to make it work.
XIV. A politician must toe the party line. He must stand firmly on the party platform, and proclaim party agenda his creed. Still, one’s party may not always have direction, and a good politician, like a good navigator, must know which way the wind blows, and never steer a course against the mainstream. In the tempests of politics, a wise politician finds a snug harbor in the bosom of the party, or somewhere safe along the line.
Professor
01-08-2007, 06:53 PM
These are awesome. Do they sell this as a book at Yale?
XV. A politician must have means to ends. To have good means is good, but when one has only bad means, they must suffice for it is the end that matters. In politics, there is no excuse for failure, and no need for excuse for success, however achieved.
XVI. A politician must be willing to sacrifice others for his own interests. In the history of the world, there has never been a politician who, in his efforts to crawl his way to the top of the dung heap, has not done so but over those he stabbed in the back. In this, a politician should always be mindful of those who stand behind him.
XVII.Â*Â*A politician should never put the public interest ahead of his personal interests.Â*Â*The next generation are too young to vote; the current generation are too apathetic to vote; and the older generation will likely be dead before the next election.Â*Â*Give lip service to the public interest but always side with the smart money.
XVIII. A politician should never admit to making a mistake. Only a fool makes a display of his mistakes; and to admit to mistakes only draws attention to them. If you can’t conceal your mistakes, let silence keep them from standing center stage.
XIX.Â*Â*A politician should never play by the rules.Â*Â*No one ever got ahead by playing fair; and to admit to any rules is to be beaten before your begin.Â*Â*If you can’t make your own rules, then break them.Â*Â*If you are caught breaking the rules, change them.Â*Â*If you can’t change the rules, stack the rules committee with cronies.
XX. A politician must know how to be evasive. A politician must avoid giving direct answers; and when faced with embarrassing questions, know how to change the subject. No one wants to hear the truth. The people are always ready to listen to what they want to hear.
XXI.Â*Â*A politician must know how to use publicity.Â*Â*Good news is good and bad news is bad; but no news is worse, for to a politician, no news is only good news when the news is bad.Â*Â*To be in the news is good only if you appear in the right light; which requires both skill and timing.Â*Â*Even God could do better with a good publicist.
XXII.Â*Â*A politician should avoid scandal at all costs.Â*Â*Nothing destroys reputation faster than scandal.Â*Â*People are always willing to believe the worst about everyone and everything.Â*Â*The tongue of scandal wags incessantly; and one need take care not to feed the mouths of the scandalmongers.Â*Â*If caught in a scandal, remember that "[I]t depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."
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