ECW
12-25-2006, 09:11 AM
Former Senator Trent Lott admits that he no longer has a human brain but had the 2025 version of Apple's IPod transplanted when he went in for his annual colon exam.
Bush twin Barbara decides to enter the nunnery in upstate New York after watching the latest porn flick starring her sister Jenna entitled "Jenna Does Dallas, Ft. Worth, and Houston." The sequel, "Jenna Does El Paso, San Antonio and Austin" comes out next year.
Former GOP Chairman Ed Gillespie admits that he had conjugal relations with Martha Stewart while she was in prison. He has been celebate ever since and Martha confessed to becoming gay soon afterwards.
The Texas Rangers, formerly the Washington Senators and owned in part by the former president Bush, finished in last place in the American League West for the 20th straight time. This current string began after Bush left the White House and bought season tickets to the team.
The Texas Air National Guard, renamed for former Lt George Bush, announced that it would no longer fly real airplanes but only balsa wood mock-ups so no one would get hurt during training flights. As the only National Guard unit to never see action in the 30 year quagmire in Iraq, the need to actually train to fight was discounted.
The last 17 farmers in Afghanistan who were growing wheat gave up the practice and converted over to growing poppies like all the other Afghans. The world's richest man, Ahmad Karzai, thanked the Bush administration of 25 years ago for cutting eradication funding to transfer the money to fighting in Iraq which allowed him to corner the market on heroin without any competition.
Jimmy Swaggert admits he introduced Monica to Strom Thurmond but he didn't know what to do with her since he was only used to making it with the maid.
Dick Cheney admits to being broke. Asked what happened to the millions he got in compensation from Halliburton and he said, "Lynne charged me everytime we had sex."
Asked why he continues to play golf with George W. Bush after all these years, Bill Clinton confesses that since Bush has no concept of math, that he (Clinton) always wins the matches. "He's an easy mark and Laura always pays up promptly." Clinton had no further comment.
With elephants in the wild having been extinct for 15 years, the GOP today decided to change their national symbol so as not to be associated with a non-American and non-living animal. Copyright attorneys informed party officials that the only animal available to use that was not being used for a sports team or corporate logo was the skunk which GOP attorneys promptly snatched up.
Persons unknown keep stealing the headstone of the late George W. Bush and replacing it with a stone with one word chisled on it: Chickenhawk.
In her tell-all book, former First Lady Laura Bush admits to selling marijuana to undergrads while she worked in the college library in order to get enough money for her books. Her best customer was a former cheerleader from Andover Prep.
A Republican campaign worker who never saw First Lt Bush do anything while in Alabama but get drunk and stoned, published her memoirs. She held on to the information this long because the blackmail money was better than the publishing money.
The Treasury Department announced that the national debt, which rose to astronomical heights during the Bush 43 administration had been paid down to such an extent that it will be paid off in only 75 more years. The eight years that Bush was president are now known in the nation's financial history books as The Reckless and Irresponsible Years.
Exxon-Mobil, which won the right to drill for oil in the ANWR after the Republican congress passed the president's energy package, just this year finished the clean-up from the massive oil spill which contaminated millions of Arctic acres in 2006. Faulty welds in the pipeline acquired from now-defunct Halliburton led to hundreds of leaks in the pipeline soon after it opened. Lawsuits which would have forced a clean-up sooner were turned away from hearings at the Supreme Court led by Chief Justice John Ashcroft.
Pat Robertson confesses that all the time he thought he was hearing God talking to him it was actually a radio tuned to the Jimmy Swaggart show.
Tom DeLay was indicted for the 329th time on ethics charges resulting from his time in Congress 20 years ago. Critics screamed, "Piling On" since DeLay is serving 40 to life in the Fort Stockton pen on his previous 211 convictions of abusing his Congressional office.
Doctors today finally lanced the boil on Rush Limbaugh's fat butt that he used as an excuse not to go to Vietnam. His draft board immediately classified him 1-A and eligible to be drafted to serve in the Iraqi War still being waged against insurgents 25 years after the Mission was supposedly Accomplished.
Dick Cheney admitted on Oprah that he was in fact a chickenshit for not serving in Vietnam. He admitted to being frightened of loud noises and hating khaki pants which were the main reasons he squirreled out of serving his country.
The former mayor of Houston from the late 1960's said he never felt safer from Viet Cong attack because Lt Bush was flying overhead. The 100 year old then unleashed a string of curses that sent the nurses running frow his hospital room and caused the 65 year old Associated Press reporter who was interviewing him to faint. It took 20 minutes to restore order and to revive the stricken reporter.
Jenna Bush enters alcohol rehab for the 29th time promising that this time will be different.
She records a duet with Whitney Houston whom she met there in rehab. The song they chose to sing is "I Fought The Law And The Law Won."
Supreme Court finally turns down the final ACLU appeal to open the records of Dick Cheney's energy summit meeting of 2001.
OJ Simpson holds another news conference to announce that he is still hunting for the killer of his late wife.
Supreme court justice John Ashcroft announces his retirement saying that the rash of recent obscenity cases have taken a lot out of him.
President Chelsea Clinton appoints Oprah Winfrey as Health, Social Services and Entertainment Secretary. She will take the position (replacing Ted Turner) as soon as her TV contract runs out ot the end of the 2030 television season.
Vice-President Al Gore tells Wolf Blitzer, the head of CNN News, that he is glad to have a job after being unemployed for 28 years and thanks new President Clinton for the vote of confidence.
The Christian Coalition holds their annual meeting. Seven people show up which is two more than last year.
Pat Robertson, Jr, son of the famed tele-evangelist Pat Robertson, comes out of the closet and announces that he and Al Sharpton, Jr are moving to Massachusetts to get married. Elton John will serve as best man for both men.
The Chicago Cubs decide to leave the National League and join the International League so they will have a better chance of winning a championship after 120 years of futility. They will be replaced in the National League lineup with the Boise Spud Cats of the Pacific Coast League.
The New Orleans Saints go to the White House today to get their Super Bowl rings from President Chelsea Clinton. This is the second straight year and fourth year out of the last six they have won the Super Bowl led by QB Saturn Williams, daughter of tennis star Venus Williams.
70 year old fighter George Foreman announces his retirement from boxing for the final time. His loss to 60 year old heavyweight Butterbean was the final straw in his ill-fated comeback.
Former President Bill Clinton had his passport taken away by Homeland Security Director Hillary Clinton for 273 unauthorized trips to Bangkok, Thailand in the last 20 years ostensibly for Tsunami Relief. The Relief program ended 22 years ago, according to Secretary Clinton, and never even reached Thailand.
Two more stars were added to the American flag this week to represent the new American states of Israel and Iraq. Former Presidents George W. Bush and Joseph Lieberman were responsible for getting the ball rolling on adding both states to the union.
The Rolling Stones open their final US tour this week. Last year's tour was cancelled when lead singer Mick Jagger's wheelchair was held up in Customs and a replacement with the required throne-like appearance did not arrive from England in time.
Meatloaf releases Bat Out Of Hell 23 this week.
Colin Powell announces that he isn't really black but he was just pretending all this time that he was. When asked why he did it he said that another white guy in the GOP wasn't news but a black guy joining the Republicans was news worthy. JC Watts agreed from his secret location in Oklahoma.
Alan Keyes lesbian daughter becomes the first black lesbian US Senator from Illinois. She moved there in 2004, for some odd reason, from Maryland.
Survivor #35, this time from Kansas, begins next week. Contestants voted off the show will have to drive a purple Volvo the length of the state without incident in order to gain safe passage home.
Kobe Bryant was traded back to the Los Angeles Lakers in one final attempt to get a championship ring before he retires at the age of 54.
Bush twin Barbara decides to enter the nunnery in upstate New York after watching the latest porn flick starring her sister Jenna entitled "Jenna Does Dallas, Ft. Worth, and Houston." The sequel, "Jenna Does El Paso, San Antonio and Austin" comes out next year.
Former GOP Chairman Ed Gillespie admits that he had conjugal relations with Martha Stewart while she was in prison. He has been celebate ever since and Martha confessed to becoming gay soon afterwards.
The Texas Rangers, formerly the Washington Senators and owned in part by the former president Bush, finished in last place in the American League West for the 20th straight time. This current string began after Bush left the White House and bought season tickets to the team.
The Texas Air National Guard, renamed for former Lt George Bush, announced that it would no longer fly real airplanes but only balsa wood mock-ups so no one would get hurt during training flights. As the only National Guard unit to never see action in the 30 year quagmire in Iraq, the need to actually train to fight was discounted.
The last 17 farmers in Afghanistan who were growing wheat gave up the practice and converted over to growing poppies like all the other Afghans. The world's richest man, Ahmad Karzai, thanked the Bush administration of 25 years ago for cutting eradication funding to transfer the money to fighting in Iraq which allowed him to corner the market on heroin without any competition.
Jimmy Swaggert admits he introduced Monica to Strom Thurmond but he didn't know what to do with her since he was only used to making it with the maid.
Dick Cheney admits to being broke. Asked what happened to the millions he got in compensation from Halliburton and he said, "Lynne charged me everytime we had sex."
Asked why he continues to play golf with George W. Bush after all these years, Bill Clinton confesses that since Bush has no concept of math, that he (Clinton) always wins the matches. "He's an easy mark and Laura always pays up promptly." Clinton had no further comment.
With elephants in the wild having been extinct for 15 years, the GOP today decided to change their national symbol so as not to be associated with a non-American and non-living animal. Copyright attorneys informed party officials that the only animal available to use that was not being used for a sports team or corporate logo was the skunk which GOP attorneys promptly snatched up.
Persons unknown keep stealing the headstone of the late George W. Bush and replacing it with a stone with one word chisled on it: Chickenhawk.
In her tell-all book, former First Lady Laura Bush admits to selling marijuana to undergrads while she worked in the college library in order to get enough money for her books. Her best customer was a former cheerleader from Andover Prep.
A Republican campaign worker who never saw First Lt Bush do anything while in Alabama but get drunk and stoned, published her memoirs. She held on to the information this long because the blackmail money was better than the publishing money.
The Treasury Department announced that the national debt, which rose to astronomical heights during the Bush 43 administration had been paid down to such an extent that it will be paid off in only 75 more years. The eight years that Bush was president are now known in the nation's financial history books as The Reckless and Irresponsible Years.
Exxon-Mobil, which won the right to drill for oil in the ANWR after the Republican congress passed the president's energy package, just this year finished the clean-up from the massive oil spill which contaminated millions of Arctic acres in 2006. Faulty welds in the pipeline acquired from now-defunct Halliburton led to hundreds of leaks in the pipeline soon after it opened. Lawsuits which would have forced a clean-up sooner were turned away from hearings at the Supreme Court led by Chief Justice John Ashcroft.
Pat Robertson confesses that all the time he thought he was hearing God talking to him it was actually a radio tuned to the Jimmy Swaggart show.
Tom DeLay was indicted for the 329th time on ethics charges resulting from his time in Congress 20 years ago. Critics screamed, "Piling On" since DeLay is serving 40 to life in the Fort Stockton pen on his previous 211 convictions of abusing his Congressional office.
Doctors today finally lanced the boil on Rush Limbaugh's fat butt that he used as an excuse not to go to Vietnam. His draft board immediately classified him 1-A and eligible to be drafted to serve in the Iraqi War still being waged against insurgents 25 years after the Mission was supposedly Accomplished.
Dick Cheney admitted on Oprah that he was in fact a chickenshit for not serving in Vietnam. He admitted to being frightened of loud noises and hating khaki pants which were the main reasons he squirreled out of serving his country.
The former mayor of Houston from the late 1960's said he never felt safer from Viet Cong attack because Lt Bush was flying overhead. The 100 year old then unleashed a string of curses that sent the nurses running frow his hospital room and caused the 65 year old Associated Press reporter who was interviewing him to faint. It took 20 minutes to restore order and to revive the stricken reporter.
Jenna Bush enters alcohol rehab for the 29th time promising that this time will be different.
She records a duet with Whitney Houston whom she met there in rehab. The song they chose to sing is "I Fought The Law And The Law Won."
Supreme Court finally turns down the final ACLU appeal to open the records of Dick Cheney's energy summit meeting of 2001.
OJ Simpson holds another news conference to announce that he is still hunting for the killer of his late wife.
Supreme court justice John Ashcroft announces his retirement saying that the rash of recent obscenity cases have taken a lot out of him.
President Chelsea Clinton appoints Oprah Winfrey as Health, Social Services and Entertainment Secretary. She will take the position (replacing Ted Turner) as soon as her TV contract runs out ot the end of the 2030 television season.
Vice-President Al Gore tells Wolf Blitzer, the head of CNN News, that he is glad to have a job after being unemployed for 28 years and thanks new President Clinton for the vote of confidence.
The Christian Coalition holds their annual meeting. Seven people show up which is two more than last year.
Pat Robertson, Jr, son of the famed tele-evangelist Pat Robertson, comes out of the closet and announces that he and Al Sharpton, Jr are moving to Massachusetts to get married. Elton John will serve as best man for both men.
The Chicago Cubs decide to leave the National League and join the International League so they will have a better chance of winning a championship after 120 years of futility. They will be replaced in the National League lineup with the Boise Spud Cats of the Pacific Coast League.
The New Orleans Saints go to the White House today to get their Super Bowl rings from President Chelsea Clinton. This is the second straight year and fourth year out of the last six they have won the Super Bowl led by QB Saturn Williams, daughter of tennis star Venus Williams.
70 year old fighter George Foreman announces his retirement from boxing for the final time. His loss to 60 year old heavyweight Butterbean was the final straw in his ill-fated comeback.
Former President Bill Clinton had his passport taken away by Homeland Security Director Hillary Clinton for 273 unauthorized trips to Bangkok, Thailand in the last 20 years ostensibly for Tsunami Relief. The Relief program ended 22 years ago, according to Secretary Clinton, and never even reached Thailand.
Two more stars were added to the American flag this week to represent the new American states of Israel and Iraq. Former Presidents George W. Bush and Joseph Lieberman were responsible for getting the ball rolling on adding both states to the union.
The Rolling Stones open their final US tour this week. Last year's tour was cancelled when lead singer Mick Jagger's wheelchair was held up in Customs and a replacement with the required throne-like appearance did not arrive from England in time.
Meatloaf releases Bat Out Of Hell 23 this week.
Colin Powell announces that he isn't really black but he was just pretending all this time that he was. When asked why he did it he said that another white guy in the GOP wasn't news but a black guy joining the Republicans was news worthy. JC Watts agreed from his secret location in Oklahoma.
Alan Keyes lesbian daughter becomes the first black lesbian US Senator from Illinois. She moved there in 2004, for some odd reason, from Maryland.
Survivor #35, this time from Kansas, begins next week. Contestants voted off the show will have to drive a purple Volvo the length of the state without incident in order to gain safe passage home.
Kobe Bryant was traded back to the Los Angeles Lakers in one final attempt to get a championship ring before he retires at the age of 54.