suralos
05-01-2008, 07:33 PM
News At Dawn
Good morning! Today is August 18, 2011.
Here's Your News At Dawn national news at dawn:
-- Record heat on both the east and west coasts continues into its sixth week as the death toll in the heartland mounts to 111 from continued record floods.
-- Inflation has dropped 15% since last month to 55% while black market prices have dropped 25% over the same period.
-- The price of gas is up to $11.95 a gallon and rising, where you can find it.
-- Yesterday, the government reported that "the economy has almost no measurable pulse." "What the fuck does that mean?" noted Harvard economist Hanford Hart is quoted as saying upon hearing the news. Indeed, analysts continue to hotly contest what it means, but there have been no reported casualties.
-- For reasons of personal safety and national security, President Obama has not yet returned to the US since he traveled to Africa on July 4th to celebrate America's independence. His whereabouts remains unknown.
-- Riots continue in Los Angeles, New York, Boston, and Miami.
-- Martial law in Chicago, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Detroit and San Francisco continues at June levels. A government spokesperson said today that the success of community curfews and the "shoot-to-kill" authority given national guard and local law enforcement in July has had "a measurable calming effect" in all areas of discontent, and could be implemented nationally if not for the fact that the military has split into three hostile ethnic and racial factions.
-- US soldiers continue to desert and join organized gangs in urban areas since guns were banned nationally two years ago. The level of uncontained violence in some metropolitan areas is unprecedented in 150 years since the Civil War.
Your News At Dawn International update:
-- Wars continue throughout south Asia, most of Africa and South America.
-- The US yesterday completed withdrawl from Iraq as promised by the President in 2009 in order to shore up badly needed federal defenses within the US.
-- Congress has tabled debate over provisions for a new military draft, a government spokesman confirmed today, because there is no shortage of volunteers for service. The more pressing problem, according to several sources, is that no one is in charge of the military.
-- The tide of refugees from Africa and elsewhere arriving in America is growing, according to statistics released today, and many of those new to our shores are reportedly taking up arms and joining the several breakaway rebel factions hostile to the US, supposedly their new home.
-- In many formerly upscale suburban areas, guerilla warfare by unidentified roving paramilitary gangs has caused residents to flee.
-- Canada announced yesterday that it has opened its borders to refugees from the US who can prove American citizenship.
News At Dawn locally:
Closer to home, an armed truth squad is scheduled to arrive in Elmhurst Hills today to recruit for resettlement and indoctrination into the President's "National Unity for Change" volunteer service to America's inner city hoods and various Green Up America programs, which have grown significantly over the past two years, though data remains unavailable for full descriptive purposes. If you are one of those who have not yet served, be advised that you are a "person of high interest" to NUC, according to the President's communique.
News At Dawn is instructed to report that phone, cable and cellular services and postal mail remain spotty or nonexistent in most areas. Furthermore, Elmhurst Hills residents are to continue their moratorium on use of electricity and gas in the interest of preserving air quality here, in Africa and at the North Pole.
Reply to this email as soon as received. You will be removed from the News At Dawn mailing list if we don't hear from you same day.
Have a G-R-R-EAT dawn, Elmhurst Hills!
Good morning! Today is August 18, 2011.
Here's Your News At Dawn national news at dawn:
-- Record heat on both the east and west coasts continues into its sixth week as the death toll in the heartland mounts to 111 from continued record floods.
-- Inflation has dropped 15% since last month to 55% while black market prices have dropped 25% over the same period.
-- The price of gas is up to $11.95 a gallon and rising, where you can find it.
-- Yesterday, the government reported that "the economy has almost no measurable pulse." "What the fuck does that mean?" noted Harvard economist Hanford Hart is quoted as saying upon hearing the news. Indeed, analysts continue to hotly contest what it means, but there have been no reported casualties.
-- For reasons of personal safety and national security, President Obama has not yet returned to the US since he traveled to Africa on July 4th to celebrate America's independence. His whereabouts remains unknown.
-- Riots continue in Los Angeles, New York, Boston, and Miami.
-- Martial law in Chicago, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Detroit and San Francisco continues at June levels. A government spokesperson said today that the success of community curfews and the "shoot-to-kill" authority given national guard and local law enforcement in July has had "a measurable calming effect" in all areas of discontent, and could be implemented nationally if not for the fact that the military has split into three hostile ethnic and racial factions.
-- US soldiers continue to desert and join organized gangs in urban areas since guns were banned nationally two years ago. The level of uncontained violence in some metropolitan areas is unprecedented in 150 years since the Civil War.
Your News At Dawn International update:
-- Wars continue throughout south Asia, most of Africa and South America.
-- The US yesterday completed withdrawl from Iraq as promised by the President in 2009 in order to shore up badly needed federal defenses within the US.
-- Congress has tabled debate over provisions for a new military draft, a government spokesman confirmed today, because there is no shortage of volunteers for service. The more pressing problem, according to several sources, is that no one is in charge of the military.
-- The tide of refugees from Africa and elsewhere arriving in America is growing, according to statistics released today, and many of those new to our shores are reportedly taking up arms and joining the several breakaway rebel factions hostile to the US, supposedly their new home.
-- In many formerly upscale suburban areas, guerilla warfare by unidentified roving paramilitary gangs has caused residents to flee.
-- Canada announced yesterday that it has opened its borders to refugees from the US who can prove American citizenship.
News At Dawn locally:
Closer to home, an armed truth squad is scheduled to arrive in Elmhurst Hills today to recruit for resettlement and indoctrination into the President's "National Unity for Change" volunteer service to America's inner city hoods and various Green Up America programs, which have grown significantly over the past two years, though data remains unavailable for full descriptive purposes. If you are one of those who have not yet served, be advised that you are a "person of high interest" to NUC, according to the President's communique.
News At Dawn is instructed to report that phone, cable and cellular services and postal mail remain spotty or nonexistent in most areas. Furthermore, Elmhurst Hills residents are to continue their moratorium on use of electricity and gas in the interest of preserving air quality here, in Africa and at the North Pole.
Reply to this email as soon as received. You will be removed from the News At Dawn mailing list if we don't hear from you same day.
Have a G-R-R-EAT dawn, Elmhurst Hills!