Jokes.

[Scribbler1]

I didn't see a thread for NON-political humor, so I thought I'd put this here.
**************************************

Home security


"How to Install a Home Security System":

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's
used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several
empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and
several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun
shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess
with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this
morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think
Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from
all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better
wait outside."

*****************************************
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were
both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed
and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
quickly -- he in the upper
bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied suggestively.
"Just for tonight, l et's
pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own freaking blanket"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

******************************************
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when
the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something
to make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your
pecker is bigger than your brother's."

*************************************
Subject: Chester & Mildred



Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their
seventies when they got married.
They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first.
Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester
and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having
waited so patiently all these years.
However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart
condition and
would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it."
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry.
He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy, he
sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him
on the bed.
Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her
nightie.
She blushes just as red as the nightie.
She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up
close since his own mother's.
It is hanging there down to her belly button,gravity having taken its
toll over some sixty years.
He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a
little more,
so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward
before him.
Poor Mildred is now beside herself.
She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.
With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says,
"Chester , I have acute angina."
Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got ugly boobs."

************************************************
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a
conversation and discovered that they both loved to
fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go
fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to
the river to his fishing boat and started out on their
adventure.

They were riding d own the river when there was a fork
in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and
pants and made mad passionate love to the man right
there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had
just happened, but he had just experienced the best
sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the ;
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and
made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he
asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding
in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river,
and the elderly gentleman asked,

"Up or down ? "

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up
or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if
you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate
love to me. Now today, nothing!
"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my
hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or
drown."

[Pookie]

Oh, Gods, LOL!! Those are good.

Okay, my turn here:

A husband and wife were having a Sunday afternoon drive through the country when they got into an argument. Both were quite angry, and they began to pass a pasture full of cows.
The husband says nastily, "I see your relatives out there."
The wife replies sweetly, "You're absolutely right, dear. In-laws."

What do you call a brunette walking between two blondes?
The interpreter.

Purrs,
Pookie

[Scribbler1]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep
him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking &
turning blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels
and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up
2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his
son, the father is panicking and shouts for help.

An attractive and serious looking woman in a business
suit is sitting at the adjoining coffee bar, reading a
newspaper. At the sound of the commotion, she looks
up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat
and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants,
takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to
squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the
woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the
nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the
coffee bar, without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to thank the woman
saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before, you saved my son's life! Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'

[Scribbler1]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and
wife were staring at a portrait that had them
completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men
totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the
figures had black willies, but the one in the middle
had a pink willy

The curator of the gallery realized that they were
having trouble interpreting the painting and offered
his personal assessment. He went on for over half an
hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately
white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics
believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in
contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the
couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the
painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than
the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted the picture,' he
replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans
depicted at all".

"They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the
middle went home for lunch.'

[micfranklin]

Three guys walk into a bar.

They should've ducked.

[Pookie]

Why do blondes have to work seven days a week?
Their employers get tired of re-training them on Mondays.


A good-looking guy is sitting at a bar at the top of an office building, drinking a beer. A woman walks in, sees him, and decides to make friends.
She sits down next to him, and asks, "So, what are you drinking?"
He says, "Magic beer."
"Magic beer?" she asks. "I never heard of that. What does it do that regular beer doesn't do?"
"Watch this," he said, getting up. He walked to a window, jumped out, flew around the building and flew back in.
"See?" he said.
"Wow," she said. "I'll have one."
The bartender served her a beer, and after she finished it, went to the same window, opened it, jumped, and went straight down 30 stories and died.
The bartender looked at the man.
"Know what?" he said, "You're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman."