The changing role of dad
By: dgun
April 27th, 2012
10:44 am
My father-in-law worked hard during his career. In retirement he has hardly broke the habit, staying busy as much as possible with one project or another. During the 30+ years he worked, his life was mostly: 1) go to work on the weekdays 2) work overtime when possible 3) keep up his cattle and farm equipment after hours and on the weekend 4) go to his kid's ballgames and events.
My dad was at first a truck driver and then later the manager of a motor pool at a large military installation. He also spent several years in the national guard. His life was mostly work on the weekdays, honey-do lists on the weekends, and attending ballgames 1-2 times a week for 9 months of the year.
Neither my dad nor my father-in-law took much of a role in housework and basic child rearing tasks early on in their marriages. Oh, in a pinch I'm sure either would have attempted to change a diaper or bathe a kid or whatnot. But their main function when it came to hands-on child rearing was administering punishments pronounced by their respective wives. To quote Bill Cosby paraphrasing his mom, “When your dad gets home, he is going to shoot you in the face with a bazooka”.
My parent's generation was a transition period for the roles of fathers/husbands. For example, by the time they reached 50 both my dad and father-in-law were good cooks, could be caught occasionally doing laundry, and just generally accepted some of the housekeeping responsibility. The change slowly came about because both my mom and mother-in-law went to work when the kids were old enough to go to school; so it was only fair that the men share some of the burden once solely reserved for the women. If mom is bringing home the bacon, why should she always be the one to fry it up in a pan? The thing is, most of my parent's generation grew up in households where dad worked and mom stayed at home. So it's no wonder it took time for dads to transition to a slightly different role.
In contrast, I have changed plenty of diapers. I've washed plenty of dishes. I do laundry, often over the objection of my wife who doesn't like the way I do it. I iron my own clothes, although my wife will do it for me occasionally; I don't expect her to. It is true that I hardly ever cook, with the exception of grilling on the weekends or scrambling eggs for the kids. I am, however, the go-to-guy for making sure the children are bathed, which is still a bit of a chore thanks to my six-year-old; if you don't check him closely he just soaks in the shower for ten or fifteen minutes and gets out. The soap and washcloth don't inspire him much. To quote the Cos once more, “All kids have brain damage”.
In a couple of generations we have gone from a country of predominantly one income households with fairly strict division between the roles of mom and dad, to two income households with blended and mixed roles. There are upsides and downsides to this change. The biggest downside that I can see, is that the additional income has been totally engulfed by the increase in living expenses while the standard of living is approximately the same. Elizabeth Warren does a good job of elaborating on this problem in her book “The Two Income Trap”. Among other things, she points out that moms were a great backup income resource during hard economic times or when dad lost income. Nowadays, the security of that backup income potential is gone.
Another downside is that I, and other men of my generation, have lost some of the skills our dad's had. My case is not representative of everyone, but I can't diagnose car trouble like my dad or father-in-law. I can use tools, but not as skillfully as they can. My dad and father-in-law have both built barns and tool-sheds and the like. It would take me forever to build a barn and I would never fully trust that it was structurally sound. The point isn't that I'm not a carpenter, the point is that neither is my dad or father-in-law. Certain skills were just considered standard for males of their generation, whereas those same skills are not standard knowledge for males of my generation.
The huge upside for the changes in family roles is obviously the great leap forward in equal treatment for women. If nothing else, I suppose this makes up for all those messy diapers I've changed.
Post Reply
16 comments on "The changing role of dad"
April 27, 2012 at 1:20 pm
This is a change for the good. My folks were the typical parents of the time. Mom stayed and home and raised the kids and kept house. Dad worked and did little else. It was kinda like a long twisted and abusive episode of Donna Reed....
My wife...she was a bit spoiled when being raised so I had to teach her how to keep a house, but still the burden of keeping the house falls more on me than her. I make her do her own laundry and insist she clean up evey now and then. I prefer she cook, although neither of us are any good at it. I don't mind so much. She has other "charms" that make up for it.
April 27, 2012 at 2:15 pm
I don't mind so much. She has other "charms" that make up for it.
The saying goes "the way to a man's heart is his stomach". I suppose there are a few other ways, too.
April 27, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Equality is fiction. Emasculation in the name of equality is not.
April 27, 2012 at 5:34 pm
I'm not sure what you're saying Berggeist. Even though mom puts in 40 hours a week she should still have a hot meal waiting on dad when he comes home?
April 27, 2012 at 6:10 pm
I'm not sure what you're saying Berggeist. Even though mom puts in 40 hours a week she should still have a hot meal waiting on dad when he comes home?
And she might even be able to fry it up in a pan.
But she ain't able to help you remember that you are a MAN.
I was raised with a full time Mom. My boys are being raised with a full time Mom. My daughters, after three years with me on my own, were raised by a full time Stepmom. Two out of three of those daughters are full time Moms.
Look. I can cook good enough to make you want to slap your grandmaw. My parents had a 50th Wedding Anniversary, 300 plus guests--I knocked their socks off. I don't so much as boil a damn egg. I got enough sense not too. Look, two out three ain't bad only applies SOMETIMES. When it is bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, and making sure that a man never forgets he is a man---well, the last one ain't an elective. It is the only one that really matters.
cues up Etta James--How Strong is a Woman.
April 27, 2012 at 7:23 pm
I'm not sure what you're saying Berggeist. Even though mom puts in 40 hours a week she should still have a hot meal waiting on dad when he comes home?
April 27, 2012 at 8:56 pm
I don't agree men today are less capable than their grandparents. I personally am fluent in googlese, a strange and magical language that makes flat tvs tell me about the mysteries of the world. I had to teach my dad how to save a word document multiple times. Though his ability to back up a trailer is one I doubt I will even master and he could ride a horse.
Cars used to be fairly simple. Now thanks to safety features, computers, lower emissions, and higher efficiency the vehicles are exponentially more complicated. Even with formal training and significant experience a mechanic now has to undergo continued training for new models if he wants to be dependable.
Also, I disagree that living standards are lower. You can still live in a 2 bedroom 1 bath with no cable, cook your own food, and keep the windows open instead of air conditioning on 40 hrs a week. Hell I'd wager 10 yrs at Wal-mart and you'll make enough to that lifestyle for you and whatever girl you can con into staying at home in those conditions.
We have HVAC, big tvs, and eat out an average of 4-5 times a week. My mom's family went on a road trip for McDonalds. I'd wager they didn't go out much more than that many times in a year, much less a week. We don't have much less money we simply spend it on more. As a divorce attorney would say, we've become accustomed to a higher standard of living and don't feel richer than our parents.
Did your family have a dish washer? Did somebody wash their dishes for them? Cook for them 5 times a week? If not, you're richer than your parents.
May 27, 2012 at 5:41 pm
I agree that things have drastically changed while i was growing up, it took me until i was older to review it but it's blatantly there... i agree with the loss of the safety net but that's another issue i won't dive into because my opinion differs from yours. things are changing i to am very apt at communicating with technology that almost all of the older people i know are slower than me except my mom, i can learn things pretty fast too!
the role of the dad has hardly changed much except for the fact that the ones who have changed are doing it because they have an open mind to things and can come to terms doing things.... he is a human after all.
May 27, 2012 at 6:44 pm
Not being stuck in old roles is a boon. Men as nurturers and women in the workplace enables both to have richer and more fulfilling lives than previously possible. Parents that try these can go back to the old rigid roles if they do not like the newer way.
My Wasband is very close to his sons, having been a hands on Dad - a role that lost him most of his hair but gained him a lifetime of satisfaction.
Hubs had been just about done rearing his girls when I and my son came along. Having a stepson gave him the son he always wanted and he's a much better Dad than bio-father has been.
Having the opportunity for role sharing without being subject to societal strictures has been a win-win in my experience.
Regards from Rosie
May 29, 2012 at 2:34 pm
The Changing Role of Dad.
It used to be that Dad was invaluable.
He was a protector and a provider.
Today its not so important to have a Dad... or a Mom for that matter...
Progress has taught us that kids just need two loving caring adults....
progress says this is just as good.
In our ignorance we just followed natural instincts so Mom stayed home and took care of things and Dad worked but with progress we learned to do better.
All those roles were apparently too rigid so we're doing away with them as fast as we can in the name of progress. All you have to do is look at the country, the children, families and communities to see how all the progress is paying off.